into the deep crevices of her mind

               Sleeping wasn’t always a dreadful thing to me. Anything now is better than going to sleep. Having no home, no bed, no one, can make anything dreadful. For me, sleeping won the top spot. It’s not exactly comfortable to sleep on damp, cardboard boxes, in alleys trashed with cigarettes, old newspapers and garbage weeks old. The cold is almost as worse as the smell. Nothing about living on the streets is okay.

               

               Ever since I was little I dreamed of running away, running until I couldn’t breath anymore. The home I was brought up in was horrible. The father I was given, was always trying things on me, trying to see if he could get away with touching me. The only thing that kept him away from me, is that he knew I could kick his ass. The two years of kick boxing lessons, weren’t a total waste. While other kids were taking art classes and music, I was toughing myself up for the real world. The nuns at the foster home weren’t to pleased with my choice of activity, but let me take the coarse. I learnt enough in the two years, to know enough about self-defence.

               The mother they gave me, was a weak woman, never stood up to her husband, always cowering away from him. He abused her every chance he got, especially when he was drunk. In some ways I felt sorry for her, but I wouldn’t stick around long enough to watch her leave. He only ever hit her, if she ever left, I would be next. I left before I could find out how hard he hits.

               Like I’ve said, I live on the streets, but its better than living in a hell home. Even if I don’t have a proper bed, or home cooked meals. The toughest thing that I don’t ever like thinking about, is food. I can’t remember the last time I had a proper meal. As always, I can only blame one person, myself.

              I was running again. I can’t remember the last time I felt safe. This time I wasn’t running from the police. I know it shames me to say that but I’m not going to lie. I’ve outran the police a few times. But no, this time I’m running away from a group of really ticked of street kids. They’re chasing me because I accidentally used their alley. You can’t blame a girl for taking advantage of a nice blocked-in alley, with high walls. It seemed like no one was using it. Too bad I didn’t see the graffiti tag on the side of the building.

              Now I’m running for my life. Down the alley that I’m in, I can see a door wide open. I quickly make my way over, each footstep sounding wet, as it hits the freshly wet pavement. I make it to the door just in time, and dash in. I find a decent hiding spot inside, only to hear the group of kids come in not too shortly after me. At this point I’m thinking I am so dead.

              I hold my breath, praying to whomever may hear my thoughts, that I could just survive this one night. My heart starts picking up in tempo, my hands are cold but sweating. I can hardly breathe. The room smells of damp wallpaper and old cigarettes. I hear the group come near my hiding spot. They flash a light straight in my face. They don’t say a word, but grab me roughly and throw me to the middle of the room. I’m too scared to scream, and honestly, I doubt anyone would come looking for whomever was screaming. That first hit is coming soong, and I just pray I die quickly. As my mind is thinking of what is to come, my eyes are watching the group. They’re all dressed in rags, covered in dirt. One of them approaches me and gives me the most merciless stare. He bring his hand up, the small amounts of light shinning in, hit’s the blade, giving it a cold shine—just before it makes impact with my chest. That first hit comes, and just after I slowly fade.

                                                         *    *    *

             I wake up the tinniest bit, my body is in horrible pain. I can feel someone in the room. I try to lift my head, but I’m too weak. I can hear a slow breathing. Someone makes their way over to me. I feel someone pick me up, I let out a slow moan. It hurts to be picked up. They carry me out of the building. Once outside, the person holding me jumps with ease to the top of the building. I know this should bother me, but I’m in too much pain to think coherently. I hear a ruffle of wings. Next thing I know, we’re in the sky, floating upwards into a bright light. The last thoughts in my head are, I finally feel whole. I’m not cold anymore or in pain, it all disappeared. I feel at peace. The arms holding me are wrapped around me in a strong embrace. I know now, the person holding me isn’t a person. It’s an angel, and I’m going home. To another world. I’m at peace, floating upwards. I know I’m about to meet my creator.

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She slowed, her breathing calmed, her heart beating loudly in her ears. Soon the thumps would become a low ringing in her ears. Her panting breath was visible in the cold night around her. It was the middle of fall, the sky was dark and damp tonight. The trees around her swayed in the strong breeze. The wind carried a thousand sounds to her sensitive ears, a thousand smells to her nose. Her eyes gleamed a bright yellow slowly shifting back to her light hazel brown. She glanced up at the tall trees, hoping she would fully change. The painful half changes were taking too much out of her lately. She couldn’t keep sneaking off into the night. Her roommate would eventually find her missing one night. Arriane was already wondering why she has been tired lately. There was no doubt in Kira’s head that she would soon make the full change. She’d been extremely close tonight. She could still feel the way her muscles pulled and contorted while she panted and gasped. The way that she could see her hands out in front of her, digging into the damp dirt and grass, nails growing out into talons then coming back in just as quickly as they grew out. She shivered as she lay on her side- body bare, her cloths waiting in the bushes. She knew she should get up and change, to make her way back to her dorm, but she was so tired and comfortable close to the ground. She slowly but reluctantly got up, making her way over to her cloths. She quickly pulled her tattered shirt over her head and swiftly pulled her jeans on, then slipping her feet into her worn out adidas. She started her fifteen minute jog back to her dorm, thinking only of the cold breeze in the midnight sky.

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Thoughts run, chase and hide in my mind. They tease, taunt. An endless line of guilt, sorrow, pain. Bright thoughts are clouded. Memories are hacked and distorted. Nothing seems real, everything is stopped in time. The clock on the dresser slows but time flies by. It’s the wind outside that pulls you from your reverie. You’ve been asleep for quite some time, but nothing has changed in your desperate moment of escape.

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There’s a lonely wolf. She tries to befriend others, but she’s not comfortable with her kind. She wanders endlessly looking for a place to belong. There have been times where she’s come close. She’s even made a good friend or two. But there’s always that doubt that she doesn’t belong. Then she meets a new wolf. One nothing like her. This wolf is unique and they become good friends. They hunt, play and become a pack of two. The only thing is, this new friendly wolf, she has a pack of her own. In this other pack there are wolves that have sharp fangs, and long talons. She isn’t at all comfortable with their kind. They play games she doesn’t enjoy, and hunt for dangerous treats. They seek out all types of risky ventures. She’s caught between following her new wolf friend, or staying true to her lonely wolf self.

This wolf makes a decision, in which she gambles with the new found friendship in this wolf. Now she waits, rekindles old friendships. But yet she waits, for the moment when she’s hoping will reassure her of the strength in her wolf pack.

She’s scared but understanding. It’s only awhile until she realizes again, she will never belong. She will forever be a lonely wolf.

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It’s been a long time coming.

This feeling’s alright, there’s something in the air.

It’s fresh and It’s mine.

Don’t hold your breath too long, time’s wasting by.

Just hold onto this love, and keep those tears running,

Nothing like a good love story to keep you hoping.

I know nothing is for sure, nothing is certain,

but this feeling’s alright.

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There’s impossibilities, within these creases.

There’s a battle, waiting to be won,

Nothing can be saved without the words of the strong.

Give a little time for this to sink in.

Don’t let this love burn out, give me all of you.

We’ll fall crashing down into a thousand words.

Yet, none are as strong as this time…

You need to find this last set of tears,

Bottle them up and read me a story..

Find these hearts and read me a story..

Crush these thoughts, and read me a story..

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finding hearts, broken shadows.

a thousand harps, turned to atoms.

the pleasures of our days, clouded by sorrows.

everyone will drown, and I will be forgotten.

our time was spent ploting, and sharing thoughts.

not once did I allow myself to indulge in such fantasies.

the time coming, is upon us.

I’ll run, you chase. let’s see who makes it there in one piece.

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the sugarless taste of black coffee.

shared glances in the café.

nothing seems a stray,

nothing is out of place.

the taste of caffeine, strong in your mouth,

you feel the night slowly coming down.

your life’s been spent, rearranged in this coffee place.

strangers come and go, but their seats are always warm.

for the cold night outside coming down,

is just another means to the day.

there’s a strong difference between a beaten down mug,

and a cherished sip of your favourite friend.

the time has gone and past,

yet these seats will remain.

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Last night it hit. The wind.

It bashed into the sides of my comfort.

It crushed the life outside my walls.

All through the night it howled and groaned.

Relishing in the fear it cast through my body and spirit.

It didn’t leave room for hope, but choked me with loss.

Again I ran to within myself, and hid where I thought it couldn’t reach.

Little did I know, my place of tranquility had been invaded by the wind.

With no place to run within or out.

I let the swirls of defeat entrap me.

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Lights have traveled, and I upon them have seen many things. There are but few people who experience time slowing. Yet all who seek it, seem to march faster upon their end. Not do they slow, but they fast forward. Not do they notice until it is too late. The remorse of those who’ve tried, surpasses the rejoice of those who have conquered time. The secret is not to pay attention to time. 

But to enjoy it’s every second and cherish it as a blessing. 

Time is spent, time is wasted.

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There’s something special about walking out on the beach. Even more so special when you can share the moment with someone. The gentle waves nearing the end of the day, it’s right before the sun sets. The air is warm, but the sun isn’t so bright. The slight breeze off of the water. The smell of the beach and the sound of the birds. This moment right here, it`s so different. It`s the sense of peacefulness on earth. Nothing is wrong in this moment, everything is in tune. Your heart beating to the beat of the waves. You breath is coming and going like the wind. You see everything so clearly. The feel of the sand under your feet reminds you where you are- as if you could ever forget. The sand glimmers brightly at you, inviting, just as the water is. The birds seemingly wink at you when they fly by. You look over your place, and see the spots of ashes, from a bonfire last night. You see in the distance the city which you’ve come from. The sight of this place takes your breath away with it’s perfect view. This is a place where you`d call home. It`s familiar but you leave it every year when it becomes dominated and tortured by the cold. Every year you visit this place before the end. The end always comes, and tears out the life of the very thing you cherish most. The cruel winds come in, and turn that beat of waves into a deadly grasp. The water becomes nothing but cold, and threatens to enclose you into a deep sleep you`ll never rise from. The birds leave, just as you should. The sun is weakened and you envy it for being safely away so high up. Nothing during this time is right. Everything is changed and it has become a second dimension to a place you once loved. You run, but there`s the ever presence in the back of your mind, telling you that you won`t be reunited with the one you love for a long time to come. You are restless, but soon you learn to sleep through the shrieking thoughts. Screaming at you that it`s your fault that the place you loved turned this way. It`s a dark and cold place because you stopped going. You know it isn`t true but you can`t help but feel, that if you visit that place just one more time, that you might see the beauty of it again. The next day you return to your ruined home. It`s ever the same. You take a deep breath, as cold air enters your lungs. The ground is hard, and cold with pieces of damp, frozen drift wood surrounding the edges. The distance ahead is uninviting, and the sun mocks you as you cry out “why?”. You begin to enter the water, and the cold of it startles you but you continue on. You’re waist in now, your bones are being frozen. You feel yourself weakened just as the place you love is weakened. You being to sink, sink so far down. Those waves grasp onto you, and the water pulls you into the deep of itself. You are lost. But you find comfort in dying to this place. It might be foreign but you know this is your place. It’s yours not matter how it feels about you. You sink down, with a smile of craziness on your face as the last trace of you disappears into the one you though you loved.

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Imagine that first kiss, the moment when everything is still. It’s the moment of truth after long anticipation. The buildup is unbearable. Faces close, breath intertwined, eyes darting from each others eyes to one and others lips. Faces inch closer, and eyes close slightly, lips part and become paper thin close. Now your heart is beating fast, and your ears are clogged making all sounds but breathing inaudible. You tremble as your bodies become pressed up against each other, and everything is in slow motion. One tilt of the head has your lips touching, lips moist and soft. The kiss en lights all senses and ignites a fire within your souls. You hear the beating of hearts like loud thumps, your eyes are shut tightly and you aware of every touch you feel. Everything is kicked into high gear, and the kisses become more passionate and rough, hands fumble over body parts and soon you have no air left but you can’t stop yourself now. You slow down as you both realize your loosing tempo, and air. Separated too soon, you both try to catch your breath and all is still once more. 

Ultimate bliss.